07/21/15

(work in progress)

Dear Lucifer,

I won’t commit suicide today.

I won’t tighten my rope for you,

Good boys sit with their tongue still enough to silence their sexuality

I’d rather snap my fingers too gay than snap my neck

My shorts will be longer than my life span

I refuse to make my birthday the day I sang too loudly to find my way out of a coffin

There are steps to living with you,

I’ve tried them before

1. Tell yourself that today is the day you don’t slip under the knife

it’s okay that surgery can’t fix you,

can you count the times you’ve tried drowning yourself alive

the bath tub just isn’t deep enough

2. Cook what you set on the grill, Lucifer won’t burn you too hard if you ask nicely
   bite your tongue, sometimes that’s the only meat your mouth should swallow

3. Stop being flexible enough to be bent. No one likes a boy that can bend his spine as easily as his morals.
4. Men aren’t supposed to be seen without their throats; make sure to leave your dignity at home where you left him
5. Repeat your name in a graveyard, repeat your name in a graveyard, repeat your name in a graveyard, third time’s the charm
6. Stand in 6 feet of water, practice holding your breath, it might come in handy
7. Give God a sign, he left you the rainbow but sometimes colors get misconstrued  
8. Do wait to be born still; no one likes waiting in line for a broken toy
9. Hide and go seek forgiveness; the church won’t teach how to be enough for yourself but swallowing the body of another man is forgiveness, apparently
10. Hang with yourself. 6 feet under.

I won't waste today wondering what could have been tomorrow. 

I will make the best of Wisconsin,

to grow

in myself 

in my art

It's a new beginning. 

it's my first official day in college at the University of Wisconsin-Madison!!
this is so crazy.
1st, my beautiful queens zahkia, sachika, and aisha took marta all the way to the airport,
my queens,
i was leaving them for the first time.
i don't think they realize how much i love them,
i appreciate them so much.
2nd, i take the plane from Atlanta to Chi-town,
it was so nerve-racking,
not flying but knowing that i'm leaving this beautiful georgia peach for my dreams in a home i've never been to,
fuck dude,
like I'm here,
this shit is real. pray for me, i need all the light and good vibes i can get.
im so scared,
hopeful
praying
blessed.
UW-MADISON, First Wave has been such a family! they're such a comfort zone, i love them already.
K.O. 9, It's lit.
i'm doing this for my parents,
i'm doing this for me,
i'm making it for us.
let's get it.

Everything is changing. I've been thinking about where I was two years ago and just a year ago. The people I thought would be here forever are no longer around. The same people I thought I couldn't live without don't wonder if I still take a breath. All I can say is that right now, I am not myself, and that I am looking for myself again but I am still living, I am still breathing, maybe a little deeper but I am still here. There isn't much to say but, life goes on.

...my 18th birthday is tomorrow. It seemed so far away when I was 12 and didn't have a care in the world.
Sometimes I wish I was young again,
Sometimes I wish I wasn't broken,
Sometimes I wish I didn't cry as often as I do now,
But I am thankful that God has stayed when no one else has,
I will appreciate myself, my love, my God.

I've been feeling very down lately. I lose myself too easily in others. I need to learn to be whole alone. I am a work in progress. I am progressing. I need to find the love within myself to love me, again. 

This is one of the most recent pictures I've taken. But anyway, I've witnessed myself grow up. I notice the maturity in who and what I put time and effort into. This makes me realize how close reality true is. That in 2 months and 3 days I will be graduating high school. That every moment is my last and that my life will begin. I am so terrified yet hopeful that I will be happy and meet new people and experience life at my finger tips. I truly hope to be the light I seek in others.